Here I’ve been falling in these pits– black musty holes that seem to have no bottom in my life. I’ve been facing some serious challenges…things that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy, and after months of being broken, even the small things begin to feel like a travesty– falling, and falling in a world that feels out of control while in a pain that I cannot even put words to.
I’ve held stock in a lot of things that I shouldn’t in life. For instance I used to cling to the “things” that ones gave me..cards that said “love,’so and so’..” because to me, that was proof- I was loved. Stock in what others think of me. My value in what I should’ve become just because so many people in my family didn’t think I could…like a college graduate, someone living a “normal, stable” life (does that exist?) with an abolished past that I myself wouldn’t mind losing somewhere in luggage holding at a random airport that my suitcases full of that ugly thing [my past] just vanished off to to never be seen again. Stock that they would hold some kind of resemblance to a family that comes together when times are rough…or good. Stock in the hopes that she would stop talking to the grocery clerk while on the phone with me where I lay on wooden floors at one point 3,118 miles away– deaf to my pain and tears like she had been for as long as she could turn the mute button onto her youngest daughter…and that was more than twenty years ago in this twenty-nine year olds life.
So, I find people who see this…who then love me. After awhile this wall around my heart crumbles down. I am naive. Words mean nothing to some people, but to me, someone who never heard the ones I craved growing up only aged to starve for them…I devoured them the moment lips uttered the letters that were spoken in an organized fashion. ..”I love you. You are so beautiful. You are apart of this family. I can see Mr “___” walking you down the aisle someday. My sweet precious girl. Well, this Christmas isn’t a good one…it’s the first one with all the kids’ and their wives/husbands and think we are going to do just a low key with just the family.”
Knife in heart. All the “I am worthlessness” come running back in flames and on crank.
This morning, early (as I’ve been rising in the early hour for the most part) I realized something. The feeling worthless, or like I don’t matter, exist– that nobody would notice if I was gone, or that I am only good when somebody needs something ran me over the moment I opened my eyes. I’m the one that picks up the phone…and I’m not talking about on the everyday basis. I am talking about being in this never ending musty black hole, and those that have known…talking to somebody one moment- whether it be while they are standing in line at the grocery store, on the cellphone before you walk into the gym after leaving god knows what number of voicemail to someone that you held that stock in that never returned them, or sitting across from somebodies face with a wall being a computer screen– and I just can’t do it anymore. It’s a roller coaster of trust and then let downs.
I don’t say any of this without taking responsibility, let me make sure I state this. I act impulsively sometimes off emotions that are lit like fuses on fireworks that suddenly go “boom!” I’m sensitive. But I’ve just been hurt maybe too many times…and perhaps these wounds are too deep.
And maybe, just maybe, I have had it all wrong. People say things in moments because they “feel” them…and I’ve put one individual, whom I love so much, on this huge pedestal- problem with this? I had hoped for this thing to happen…to be taken in…to believe the words she said…for what she wished to happen have happened– and it didn’t. And I realized this morning something that felt so devastating…it was how much she reminded me of my “Mother of the South”…that familiar pain and letdown that I used to often feel from her. Big difference though, this person deserves to be on that pedestal…it’s just me that doesn’t deserve to be looking up at her, nor am I one of the people that are to be in her eyes glance when she looks down. I don’t belong in her world…but how nice it was for a moment wishing that it just might happen if I could snap out of it, or be somebody else…that she might treat me a little bit more like that daughter that she has said she loved just as much as if I had been her own…